When Nice Turns Not-So-Nice

Are you the person in the room who knows something is going on even though no one else has said anything about it?  Do you have radar that tunes you in to someone else’s distress even when they haven’t yet realized it? Do you prefer to keep the peace and minimize conflict?  You are not alone and there are likely very good reasons this is happening.  

You may have needed to keep the peace when you were younger or you have may been praised for this.  You may be sensitive to energy. You may find that when people around you are upset, it is upsetting to you.  Ensuring that your environment is harmonious may be a way that you are making sure you feel ok inside. 

First of all, I want to say this peace keeping part is a very useful part!  It makes sense to be seeking harmony. It’s a great life skill to have, to be the one who can sense that there is something that needs to be addressed.  And….it can be a heavy burden on this part to be working all the time, without support. 

Sometimes when those peace keeping parts feel overwhelmed, you can lash out in frustration or irritability.  This is when you go from nice to not so nice in a flash because you’ve tipped into self-protection mode. Consequences for you may include feeling exhausted or embarrassed or ashamed of an outburst. 

When you learn more about the peace keeping parts and offer them more internal support, you can prevent overwhelm and avoid taking things out on the ones you love. You can find balance between harmony and self-support.  

Some possibilities to try out:

·      Acknowledge to yourself when your peace seeking parts are up.  Acknowledge and thank them for the messages they are giving you around the ‘not-ok-ness’ it notices. It can mean a lot when you acknowledge what is going on for you even if others cannot.

·      You might let that part know that its distress makes sense and let it know that it is not responsible to fix everything right away.  

·      You might give yourself a break, maybe remove yourself from the situation temporarily to give yourself a break from the intensity.  Intentionally shift your focus to move your attention and elevate your mood.  This could be to anything you find engaging or interesting – listening to music, dancing, walking around the block, art, time in nature. Journal to give this part a voice and remember what you want to address later. Express some of the distress you are experiencing (e.g., “It’s hard for me to have this conversation right now. Can we come back to it later?”)

·      You might see if this part has a need that you can meet. 

·      If you have been doing any Internal Family Systems (IFS) work, you might be able to check in with those parts to see if they can hangout somewhere else in your system until later when you have time and space to check in with them.  

If you want help navigating sensitivity and distress, feel free to reach out to me…